Pet Rules
(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the
bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.I am very sorry about this. Do not
think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I
beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door
open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the
bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress
this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids  because they:

1.  Eat less
2.  Don't ask for money all the time
3.  Are easier to train
4.  Usually come when called
5.  Never drive your car
6.  Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7.  Don't smoke or drink
8.  Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9.  Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can adopt out their children.